The Missing Feeling
Things were slowly going back to normal. I was trying hard and she too was trying equally harder. She would tell me of all their conversations. I grew mature one would say. Slowly I told her I didn't want a daily update. I was ok with it.
Inside my mind I was still going crazy. And she with her attitude. Her snappiness increased by the day, her arrogance and her impatience. She would admit this later on but only someone who was on the receiving end for so many days would understand how bad it felt to be shoved aside during a conversation.
I did not have many friends to talk to. The few I had I did not want to share the entire story with. However I had to. The few I talked to suggested that we should spend some time together, plan a surprise and make her feel better. I proposed the same and she bluntly said she did not want to go on any solo trip with me. I was shocked and devastated. 5 years and this was the first. How I wish I knew there would be many firsts in the days to come. She said she did not want to risk not getting that special feeling before the wedding. I accepted it with a heavy heart.
Days would go by. We would have tussles on and off. And then we would have a major one. She would say she felt comforted in Leh, but she missed that feeling. She did not get that romantic feeling. I was at a loss of words. How could so many things go so wrong in just a month? How could I lose her like this? How could 5 years of a relationship seem dull in just a month?
She said she wanted some time and maybe it was just the fact that the wedding was freaking her out. She did not want me to try and make her happy. She wanted it to come naturally. She even said that we might be overthinking. I agreed but I felt it wasn't true. I would cry for days and nights. How could I not? To lose her after a ring on my finger? Surely life would not be that cruel to me. I buried this once again. Maybe it was my fault and maybe I was overthinking. She would still convince me time and again she loved me and wanted to marry me. That would be my only good point in the entire day.
It is not like we did not have our good moments. We did. We talked of things that felt was necessary and charming. She even called me a couple of times late in the night. It was hush-hush affair. As if we were getting married without knowing each other and a new love would blossom. Yes it felt good. Why should I deny her the praise she deserved? She was making efforts and I could see it. I knew it in my heart that we would be better off, our love stronger than before.
Inside my mind I was still going crazy. And she with her attitude. Her snappiness increased by the day, her arrogance and her impatience. She would admit this later on but only someone who was on the receiving end for so many days would understand how bad it felt to be shoved aside during a conversation.
I did not have many friends to talk to. The few I had I did not want to share the entire story with. However I had to. The few I talked to suggested that we should spend some time together, plan a surprise and make her feel better. I proposed the same and she bluntly said she did not want to go on any solo trip with me. I was shocked and devastated. 5 years and this was the first. How I wish I knew there would be many firsts in the days to come. She said she did not want to risk not getting that special feeling before the wedding. I accepted it with a heavy heart.
Days would go by. We would have tussles on and off. And then we would have a major one. She would say she felt comforted in Leh, but she missed that feeling. She did not get that romantic feeling. I was at a loss of words. How could so many things go so wrong in just a month? How could I lose her like this? How could 5 years of a relationship seem dull in just a month?
She said she wanted some time and maybe it was just the fact that the wedding was freaking her out. She did not want me to try and make her happy. She wanted it to come naturally. She even said that we might be overthinking. I agreed but I felt it wasn't true. I would cry for days and nights. How could I not? To lose her after a ring on my finger? Surely life would not be that cruel to me. I buried this once again. Maybe it was my fault and maybe I was overthinking. She would still convince me time and again she loved me and wanted to marry me. That would be my only good point in the entire day.
It is not like we did not have our good moments. We did. We talked of things that felt was necessary and charming. She even called me a couple of times late in the night. It was hush-hush affair. As if we were getting married without knowing each other and a new love would blossom. Yes it felt good. Why should I deny her the praise she deserved? She was making efforts and I could see it. I knew it in my heart that we would be better off, our love stronger than before.
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