Story of my life

She might go through these posts someday. She might even feel it was my fault all along. Her friends might feel so too. Everyone might feel so too. But I do not. I don't blame her anymore. All I wanted was for her to cope up with me. It might have been a party time for her, but it was a troubling time for me too. Yes I was scared or insecure or whatever people call this. Was I wrong to? Yes she explained it time and again. Was I still wrong to? If everyone says I was, then all I can wish for her is for something like this to never happen to anyone. Not when you spend 5 years together trying to build something. What if it had been the other way around? I ask myself. What if I had gotten too close to a girl who liked me and our interests matched? The world would come out shaming me accusing me of being a cheat being unfaithful doubting how I even felt it. People would. It always happens to boys. What would she say I ask? Would she be as mature about it the way I was? Would she com...

Things felt normal until she travelled back to Mumbai. I knew I could deal with this. And I was wrong. I thought she would understand my concern, I was wrong. She flew back to Mumbai and had a long week lined up in front of her. I knew she would be partying day in and out. All I secretly wished is for her not to sway her mind again. How could I not think so? She would ask me how I would still think on those lines even after she convinced me time and again. Maybe I could not. However I tried to control it very badly. I really did. All I would do is ask where she was and how she was. But this time it was my fault. I realized I was not comfortable. She would be online and not reply to my messages. A reply would come but much later. At times I would have to ping her again just to get a reply. Maybe I should not have done that. Over the days it would get irritating. I would try to stop doing it but I could not. I apologized profusely until one day she could not take it anymore. She sai...

Things were going fine. She met a couple of our friends. I get a call asking me to fly down this friday for a night of partying. She took the phone and said you should come and she would take care of the tickets along with a friend. Next she said we would go on a brunch date the morning after the party. My joy knew no bounds. She wanted to go out on a date with me. She was getting the love back. She felt better and I knew it. Once she got back home, I casually asked where we would go. She said nowhere as she had just said it casually in front of our friends. Broken again. You can call me paranoid for being obsessed about everything, but before you do put yourself in my shoes and think how you would have felt. Again a fight ensued. I apologized the next morning. Maybe I was the one overthinking. Surely I was not going to let this come between us. A simple apology and things went back to normal. The party never happened and neither did the date.

Things were slowly going back to normal. I was trying hard and she too was trying equally harder. She would tell me of all their conversations. I grew mature one would say. Slowly I told her I didn't want a daily update. I was ok with it. Inside my mind I was still going crazy. And she with her attitude. Her snappiness increased by the day, her arrogance and her impatience. She would admit this later on but only someone who was on the receiving end for so many days would understand how bad it felt to be shoved aside during a conversation. I did not have many friends to talk to. The few I had I did not want to share the entire story with. However I had to. The few I talked to suggested that we should spend some time together, plan a surprise and make her feel better. I proposed the same and she bluntly said she did not want to go on any solo trip with me. I was shocked and devastated. 5 years and this was the first. How I wish I knew there would be many firsts in the days to co...

We were about to board the train. I was busy carrying the luggage and she was on her cellphone and talking to her bhabhi. For a moment my eyes caught her cell, completely unintended completely natural. She was deleting his messages. Why would you do it? I asked her the next morning and she said she didn't remember. Clearly not something forget in a span of less than 12 hours. She said maybe she didn't want others to take a look and know of things. I agreed. Finally the day arrived. It was about to happen. The moment we were waiting for the last 5 years. It was going to come true and yet here I was still thinking if she was happy. I wished I did not drag her into this. However she had always been clear on her stance. Maybe I was thinking too much. The guy would still ping her and say how beautiful she looked. Yes I felt bad. Why would he not stop pinging her? Even now? It was all done. We were happy. I wish she was. She was always good at hiding her emotions. But surely she...

We met at the airport. She looked nice. We talked about it and all seemed ok. I knew we would we better off after this trip. As we boarded the flight the guy messaged her wishing her a good trip. Why would he not stay out of her life? She was getting married to a guy she loved for 5 years and he still had to interfere. Nevertheless I let it go. We reached Leh and had a good time. The 2 of us were there and no one else. It felt good but something was missing. I wouldn't realize it till much later. Maybe I did but I didn't want to accept it. Deep down I knew, that this would not be able to damage 5 years of my relationship. The next day she cried. She would not tell me why. I pushed her and she said she felt scared of the entire marriage agenda. I tried convincing her. That is the best I could do. Did not seem to work or maybe it partly did. Everything seemed doubtful to me. Nevertheless I gave her the pendant I got her. It looked good on her. She would wear it every single da...

It had been going on for a while now. She was avoiding me, not communicating properly and it all seemed so forced. I knew something was wrong. But then she always said I overthink and over-analyze. That night she let it slip that on our Leh trip she would tell me everything. I could not bear the sound of that. I nagged her for an hour, she wouldn't say. Finally she decided to send me the two poems she wrote for him. This guy who she had met for just 10 days made her feel special and doubt our love. I didn't know what felt worse - me not being able to connect with her the way that guy could do in 10 days or this happening in spite of her past. She would not know the deepest darkest insecurities of my heart. The fear of being cheated, the fear of being dumped, the fear of being let go. But maybe she would. Her past hadn't been too kind with her as well. And I convinced myself that no she would not cheat on me. Yet I had to ask that question. She must have felt bad, yet I...