The Mumbai Trip
Things felt normal until she travelled back to Mumbai. I knew I could deal with this. And I was wrong. I thought she would understand my concern, I was wrong. She flew back to Mumbai and had a long week lined up in front of her. I knew she would be partying day in and out. All I secretly wished is for her not to sway her mind again. How could I not think so? She would ask me how I would still think on those lines even after she convinced me time and again. Maybe I could not. However I tried to control it very badly. I really did. All I would do is ask where she was and how she was.
But this time it was my fault. I realized I was not comfortable. She would be online and not reply to my messages. A reply would come but much later. At times I would have to ping her again just to get a reply. Maybe I should not have done that. Over the days it would get irritating. I would try to stop doing it but I could not. I apologized profusely until one day she could not take it anymore.
She said I was suffocating her. I was behaving like her ex. I sent her a horrible email, one where I told her my feelings but completely uncalled for. I realized I was being rude and impossible with her. And this affected my relationship with my parents too. I could not focus on work. One day I had to come back early from work. I called her and cried. Told her I did not know what was going wrong. Told her she had to help me. Told her that I needed to meet her just once. Begged her to come and meet me in spite of knowing that it would be difficult. She cried a bit too. I knew I was being wrong. How could I help myself? She would say I needed to help myself and she could not do much. I should stop being insecure. It was not good. I asked her if she could tell me she loved me. She did but it was cold. Maybe that is what I deserved.
I cancelled my trip back home. I knew had I gone I would have said things I did not want to. I felt better by night. I knew I was getting a grip on myself. I talked to my mom for hours. Telling lies blaming myself just so someone could calm me down. That is all I needed. Someone to calm me down. I expected she would do it even with my deepest insecurities. For her having done it enough number of times it was not necessary. Some times enough is not enough.
A couple of days went by. She never asked me how I felt. Yes I had been wrong. Yes I had been insecure. Yes I was behaving paranoid. But the least I could expect her to ask me if I felt better - especially after 5 years of a relationship. It never came.
Days would go by in Mumbai. She would party with friends and that guy as well. I would learn to slowly control myself. One day I could not take it anymore. I asked her with the simplest of emotions if she could just tell me what she was feeling. Her reply would turn my life upside down - "I think you deserve better than me but its too late now".
Why would she say such a thing? What did I do wrong? Did she do something wrong? What had happened? I was clueless and I asked her. She said no nothing was wrong like the previous incident but I should stop asking her this question. I wanted to know. I was dying to know. That night she was going for a house party and that guy would be there. Yes it was killing me from inside. But who was I to stop her? All I wanted to know what she was going through and why she would say such a thing.
She said when the times comes she might discuss - "Maybe later, maybe never". Why not? What was it that she did not want to discuss? She discussed everything with me for the past 5 years. And yet here she was trying to avoid all this. I called up a friend. I poured my heart out. It felt as if she was being very rude to me. She suggested we try and talk as friends for 10-15 days. She was confident it would make her feel better. I agreed only asking her to share what she was going through so I could help her too. She declined saying not now and she didn't know when. She said she would try and work upon it. I agreed again. Maybe this would help. Our mutual friend agreed she was behaving rudely, weirdly and definitely not the treatment I deserved. Our only solution was to give her time. We decided that it was the marriage freaking her out. Maybe yes maybe no.
Yes I have made my fair share of mistakes. Yes I was full of insecurity. But nothing that I did should justify the way she behaved with me. Not asking how I felt, not sharing her feelings and above all being rude to me time and again. The whole point of a relationship is to be open about things. To tell your partner all those things that you would not tell anyone else. The whole point of getting into a marriage is that you share things with me and let me help you. And when you don't, it scares me beyond measure. Maybe it was my fault all along. But there have been incidents in the past where you were to blame too.
I listened to you for hours when you would feel sad. Those hours of crying that our parents would not agree to marriage. The possessiveness when I would go out for dinners in our initial days. Your crying when we had to cancel our Kerala trip. I never turned a blind eye to any of this. And neither should you. I do not expect much from you. All I want is some extra attention and love. Else I would be nothing more than a friend. And that is exactly how it feels at times. At times I think if I did the right thing by comforting and consoling you after that incident. What would have happened had I not said a word then? Where would we have been had I not convinced you that we were meant to be? I will never know now.
The marriage is 3 months away and my entire faith is rested on the fact that she is just freaked out of the marriage and nothing else. Yes it might be true. But for a guy who has been hurt 2 months back, you should cut some slack. When you say words like "deserve" it makes me feel that you are marrying me out of pressure. When you say such lines it makes me feel that you don't love me the way as you did back then. When you are cold to me it makes me feel unwanted, unloved and sad. The whole point of us being partners is that we there for each other. Yes I know that you have confessed your love time and again. Yes I know you have said multiple times that you want to marry me. Yes I know you have said again and again that nothing can ever go wrong. But my dear, I have been hurt.
I am sorry to say but I feel like just another person in your life. I don't know if we would meet again before our marriage. I don't know if you can be your usual self. I don't know if I can be the one and only stop for all your problems. I just hope. I still hope.
But this time it was my fault. I realized I was not comfortable. She would be online and not reply to my messages. A reply would come but much later. At times I would have to ping her again just to get a reply. Maybe I should not have done that. Over the days it would get irritating. I would try to stop doing it but I could not. I apologized profusely until one day she could not take it anymore.
She said I was suffocating her. I was behaving like her ex. I sent her a horrible email, one where I told her my feelings but completely uncalled for. I realized I was being rude and impossible with her. And this affected my relationship with my parents too. I could not focus on work. One day I had to come back early from work. I called her and cried. Told her I did not know what was going wrong. Told her she had to help me. Told her that I needed to meet her just once. Begged her to come and meet me in spite of knowing that it would be difficult. She cried a bit too. I knew I was being wrong. How could I help myself? She would say I needed to help myself and she could not do much. I should stop being insecure. It was not good. I asked her if she could tell me she loved me. She did but it was cold. Maybe that is what I deserved.
I cancelled my trip back home. I knew had I gone I would have said things I did not want to. I felt better by night. I knew I was getting a grip on myself. I talked to my mom for hours. Telling lies blaming myself just so someone could calm me down. That is all I needed. Someone to calm me down. I expected she would do it even with my deepest insecurities. For her having done it enough number of times it was not necessary. Some times enough is not enough.
A couple of days went by. She never asked me how I felt. Yes I had been wrong. Yes I had been insecure. Yes I was behaving paranoid. But the least I could expect her to ask me if I felt better - especially after 5 years of a relationship. It never came.
Days would go by in Mumbai. She would party with friends and that guy as well. I would learn to slowly control myself. One day I could not take it anymore. I asked her with the simplest of emotions if she could just tell me what she was feeling. Her reply would turn my life upside down - "I think you deserve better than me but its too late now".
Why would she say such a thing? What did I do wrong? Did she do something wrong? What had happened? I was clueless and I asked her. She said no nothing was wrong like the previous incident but I should stop asking her this question. I wanted to know. I was dying to know. That night she was going for a house party and that guy would be there. Yes it was killing me from inside. But who was I to stop her? All I wanted to know what she was going through and why she would say such a thing.
She said when the times comes she might discuss - "Maybe later, maybe never". Why not? What was it that she did not want to discuss? She discussed everything with me for the past 5 years. And yet here she was trying to avoid all this. I called up a friend. I poured my heart out. It felt as if she was being very rude to me. She suggested we try and talk as friends for 10-15 days. She was confident it would make her feel better. I agreed only asking her to share what she was going through so I could help her too. She declined saying not now and she didn't know when. She said she would try and work upon it. I agreed again. Maybe this would help. Our mutual friend agreed she was behaving rudely, weirdly and definitely not the treatment I deserved. Our only solution was to give her time. We decided that it was the marriage freaking her out. Maybe yes maybe no.
Yes I have made my fair share of mistakes. Yes I was full of insecurity. But nothing that I did should justify the way she behaved with me. Not asking how I felt, not sharing her feelings and above all being rude to me time and again. The whole point of a relationship is to be open about things. To tell your partner all those things that you would not tell anyone else. The whole point of getting into a marriage is that you share things with me and let me help you. And when you don't, it scares me beyond measure. Maybe it was my fault all along. But there have been incidents in the past where you were to blame too.
I listened to you for hours when you would feel sad. Those hours of crying that our parents would not agree to marriage. The possessiveness when I would go out for dinners in our initial days. Your crying when we had to cancel our Kerala trip. I never turned a blind eye to any of this. And neither should you. I do not expect much from you. All I want is some extra attention and love. Else I would be nothing more than a friend. And that is exactly how it feels at times. At times I think if I did the right thing by comforting and consoling you after that incident. What would have happened had I not said a word then? Where would we have been had I not convinced you that we were meant to be? I will never know now.
The marriage is 3 months away and my entire faith is rested on the fact that she is just freaked out of the marriage and nothing else. Yes it might be true. But for a guy who has been hurt 2 months back, you should cut some slack. When you say words like "deserve" it makes me feel that you are marrying me out of pressure. When you say such lines it makes me feel that you don't love me the way as you did back then. When you are cold to me it makes me feel unwanted, unloved and sad. The whole point of us being partners is that we there for each other. Yes I know that you have confessed your love time and again. Yes I know you have said multiple times that you want to marry me. Yes I know you have said again and again that nothing can ever go wrong. But my dear, I have been hurt.
I am sorry to say but I feel like just another person in your life. I don't know if we would meet again before our marriage. I don't know if you can be your usual self. I don't know if I can be the one and only stop for all your problems. I just hope. I still hope.
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