The What-If
She might go through these posts someday. She might even feel it was my fault all along. Her friends might feel so too. Everyone might feel so too. But I do not. I don't blame her anymore. All I wanted was for her to cope up with me. It might have been a party time for her, but it was a troubling time for me too. Yes I was scared or insecure or whatever people call this. Was I wrong to? Yes she explained it time and again. Was I still wrong to? If everyone says I was, then all I can wish for her is for something like this to never happen to anyone. Not when you spend 5 years together trying to build something.
What if it had been the other way around? I ask myself. What if I had gotten too close to a girl who liked me and our interests matched? The world would come out shaming me accusing me of being a cheat being unfaithful doubting how I even felt it. People would. It always happens to boys. What would she say I ask? Would she be as mature about it the way I was? Would she comfort and console me the next day saying she still loves me? Would she remind me of our good and bad times? Would she convince me that 10 days of infatuation is nothing compared to 5 years of love? Would she be comfortable with the fact that I continue to talk to that girl? Would she be 200% secure that in spite of what happened me and the girl could be friends? Would she trust the girl's words when she said that friendship is the only thing on her mind? Would she be alright if she was dying to meet me and I told her that I don't get that feeling anymore? Would she be alright if I cancelled a date saying I never meant it? Would she be alright if I went back to my city and met the same girl in parties? Would she be alright if I didn't reply to her messages after reading them? Would she be alright if I sent her a message in the middle of all this telling her she deserved better? Would she for a moment ponder that maybe as individual questions these are easy to answer but as a 2 month life changing experience they are the toughest?
If her answer to all of this is yes, if she would be alright with all of them - then all I can say is that I am not the right guy. That truly after all it is the other way around - "she deserves someone better".
What if it had been the other way around? I ask myself. What if I had gotten too close to a girl who liked me and our interests matched? The world would come out shaming me accusing me of being a cheat being unfaithful doubting how I even felt it. People would. It always happens to boys. What would she say I ask? Would she be as mature about it the way I was? Would she comfort and console me the next day saying she still loves me? Would she remind me of our good and bad times? Would she convince me that 10 days of infatuation is nothing compared to 5 years of love? Would she be comfortable with the fact that I continue to talk to that girl? Would she be 200% secure that in spite of what happened me and the girl could be friends? Would she trust the girl's words when she said that friendship is the only thing on her mind? Would she be alright if she was dying to meet me and I told her that I don't get that feeling anymore? Would she be alright if I cancelled a date saying I never meant it? Would she be alright if I went back to my city and met the same girl in parties? Would she be alright if I didn't reply to her messages after reading them? Would she be alright if I sent her a message in the middle of all this telling her she deserved better? Would she for a moment ponder that maybe as individual questions these are easy to answer but as a 2 month life changing experience they are the toughest?
If her answer to all of this is yes, if she would be alright with all of them - then all I can say is that I am not the right guy. That truly after all it is the other way around - "she deserves someone better".
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